OWNING SURVIVAL ON NATIONAL CANCER SURVIVAL DAY - Truth and Hope: Applying the Lessons Learned from Cancer to Life
THE QUESTIONS
In the face of death, is survival a choice? Where does the fight come from? Even before the fight can start, how does the instinct get ignited? How is the conviction created?
THE BACK STORY
As I reflect on National Cancer Survivors Day today, I think about my journey with advanced breast cancer with bone metastasis. I was diagnosed in the April-May timeframe of 2007. Yesterday, I was at Dr. Smith’s office for my three-weekly intravenous dose of Herceptin as we continue to work to keep the cancer at bay. Through the month of June, all my regular CT-scans, ultra-sounds and bone scans have come together with an added unexpected MRI. I am a survivor – in truth, I am still trying to survive. I am a warrior – with hope and faith, I keep fighting to live life and fulfil my purpose.
THE CHOICE
I have learned to see choices when I hit a wall and there is seemingly nowhere to go. I look past the wall – to the other side. I see the lightness of being, and that pulls me forward.
I am a firm believer in delusional hope. Hope isn’t metered. It is actually your imagination that fuels your capacity.
I need purpose. I am driven. It motivates me to move mountains out of my way. Without fear. Without the option of failure.
THE FIGHT
The Fight: Whatever it is. Any of it, all of it. And at the same time.
The fight is with your body, but more with yourself to choose to fight. The fight is with the system, but more with your learning how to use the system. The fight is with your loved one, but more with your hurt. The fight is for yourself, but mostly with your ability to respect yourself.
My challenges came one after the other within a relatively short period of time some years ago. My small business and financial stability were torpedoed, and I was struggling. My marriage was teetering, and I was reeling. The pain was incredible, and cancer was diagnosed. My marriage ended, and I became a single mother. I didn’t have time to process. I had to use all my force to keep pushing the walls back that threatened to suffocate me till I could slowly pick the bricks I wanted to create a new foundation.
The Other Side
I know luck favored me; and that science worked for me, humanity strengthened me, and faith carried me. I am on the other side. My business grew and flourished. The cancer is stable. My children are amazing. Life has been kind. This is more than a reprieve. This is a new life.
The Lingering Fear
Fear is the enemy even on the other side. It is always inside you. You have to choose hope when the wave starts to build. You have to choose hope again when the wave thunders on top of you. You have to choose hope when you are under the wave. You have to choose hope before the next wave can hit. You have to choose. Or fear will.
BEING DEFINED BY A LABEL
I have always chosen not to fit inside a box that somebody else has created. While I have been open about being a cancer warrior, I have not wanted to be defined by cancer. Then I wrote a book about my cancer experience. In Fast Forward to Hope – Choosing to Build the Power of Self, I said it all. By re-living it as I wrote the book, I shared every thought and emotion as I got diagnosed and built from the challenges. I felt I had to write the book. And now I find myself associated with a new label on Google – cancer survivor.
I wrote the book with purpose - to share hope and the possibilities that comes from simply being human and choosing to live from our inherent power. I knew I wanted to offer support to those in the cancer ecosystem, particularly those starting their fights and those who are tiring of the fight. I don’t believe that I completely comprehended the added vulnerability I was opening myself to by doing this as I continue to fight myself. Yet I don’t want to shy away from my goal, my purpose. I am ready to wear this label today on National Cancer Survival Day. I am a survivor. I am a warrior. And we are in it together.
OWING MY TRUTHS
The truth doesn’t scare me, be it the cancer or now the label. It is in seeing truth, that I can see my realities, and choose my actions. I am at my point in my life where I am free. I am able to live without filters. I am able to choose to build my trajectory in the directions where I can be useful because of the life I have been given.
As I have struggled with the concept of being a “label” and that of a “cancer survivor” particularly in the last few weeks after the book was published, I have come to realize even more fully that I can’t preserve myself unless I take care of myself. I am not sure why this is such a hard concept. Even as we choose to build our own capacity, we aren’t always gentle with ourselves through the process. I have to learn more about patience and forgiveness, and allow myself the luxury of not doing it all. I have to make myself a priority so I remember to breathe, so I can be. It is ok, even fundamental, to give yourself respect.
MY ANSWERS
So, in the face of death, is survival a choice and how is conviction created? Without a question, you have to decide what choice you want to make. On page 242 of Fast Forward to Hope, I say,
“We decide when enough is enough: the power of a disease over the whole of one’s life, a toxic relationship, a bad job, even depression. On some fundamental level, we have to make our own choice. We have to have that much conviction in ourselves.”
The journey isn’t about the outcome. For me, it is about the path and the forks on the road you choose to take every day. It is about knowing the truth and acting with hope.